Today is a hard day, I spoke to my ex-boyfriend and told him yesterday that we need not communicate via Internet, phone, or anything else, until we both feel no more feelings for each other. Yesterday when I told him, it didn't seem that hard to do, today all I can think about is how much I wish I could spend time with him. I wasn't a good girlfriend and I guess the what ifs of how it would have been if I had done it right are what hurts the most. I gave him a show, a poor showing of who I really am. He wasn't a good boyfriend but it may have been my fault all along. Damn it was all my fault, it just sucks that I cant fix it because I love him.

The Break-up

I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day, it was the perfect meeting. I'd feared running into him on a date, but our first meeting was at the mall, he was with his mother and I with my brother. We causally exchanged a half hug, which to me is worse than no hug at all from anyone, half hugs seem forced. I asked what he was doing at the mall, as if shopping wasn't obvious, and he asked me the same. We only wasted about two minutes of each others time but that seemed to long, we had nothing to say. After I walked away I felt relieved, my only regrets was that I was looking totally busted because hadn't been to the hairstylist and I am in the midst of a move which had drastically affected my wardrobe. I must say I wanted t look really good when I saw him again but, looking the way I did was probably better. Ya know, once you really done with someone you don't have to jump through hoops when you see them, looking like I usually do on my only day off showed that life was going on as normal and I was making it, looking in any different would have made me look I was making up for something I was lacking.
We have broken up before but my feeling about this time are slightly different, I have a lot going on in my life and very little time to sit a sulk. I have recently started a new job and am transitioning from one living arrangement to another. I haven't cried like I have in the past, in fact I haven't cried much at all. Hell in the past I've been depressed, I only wish I could loose the amount of weight I lost when we broke up months back. My only regret is that we didn't break up sooner, now I am not saying this because he was a bad boyfriend, I am saying this because each extra week we spent together made it harder to say goodbye. Now our separation, that once could have been soften by memories of love and happiness, has been filled with hateful words and ugly treatment. I don't hate him and often I wonder if he hated me, he has said it. He has said he doesn't like anything about me, of course he was probably angry when he said it, it stung. To think that you could be with someone for years and they could leave and in parting say I hate everything about you is horrible. Breaking up was always hard for me because I think about all the happy time, he I realized had a chronic problem dwelling on the negative. I am sure I will look back at this moment as a much needed greatly appreciated turning point in my life. Right now I am just trying to learn as much from it a possible. So, the next relationship I am in will be more productive and positive.